Zach is off picking Jenny up at the caltrain station again tonight. She forgot her cell phone in our cat Sunday before heading back up to the city, and so she's spending the night with us tonight so she can come down and pick it up... and spend some time with us, too, of course. I'm glad for it, too, I feel exhausted and drained today and need a bit of a pick me up, which Jen always provides.
I had another difficult day with D today. He's just been on and off all day, seeming fine and then all of a sudden getting all upset, as if in pain. Maybe it's this new tooth coming in, I don't know. Last night I did something to my wrist so it's been sore all day, and watching him run around the house and practice his standing I also wonder if he might be sore somewhere, too, and just can't tell me. Things that used to always bring on giggles now don't work, and then times I do get him to smile and laugh I have to work pretty hard for. I wish I knew what I could do to help, I feel so bad for him. And I'm exhausted from trying to entertain him all day long.
I'm also questioning so much of what I do with him, all over again. I keep waiting for him to settle into some sort of a consistent eating/sleeping schedule, and it's not happening (ex- he goes to bed at 7pm every night, and wakes anytime between 5:30-7:30am-- not counting night feeds). I wonder if I need to just decide on something and impose it, and deal with the crying and crankiness that will come until he adjusts to it (whenever that might be). Maybe that's the best course to take for the long-term, but I'm not sure I have the strength to deal with the short-term consequences. I'm quite frankly pissed off at all the books that kept saying things would happen one way, when they very clearly have not.
I saw a quote recently by Brooke Shields saying that having children was the most selfish thing she ever did, meaning having created unconditional love for herself by her kids. I found it strange that someone who went through severe postpartum depression so publicly would say something like that. I know D loves me and in the moments when it really shows it feels so incredible, but I feel having children is the most self-less thing anyone can ever do. You're comiting to devote the rest of your life to someone else, to give up so much of yourself and your free time for their well being. I'm not trying to make this an angry or depressed rant, or saying it because I've had a bad day. I saw the quote days ago and have been thinking about it since. I don't know what the context was around that quote, but taken by itself it seems so misleading about all the work and effort that goes into being a parent and I guess that just irks me to see.