six word sunday: Boy playing happily; cat plotting suspiciously

six word sunday challenge

thoughts on family expansions

Soon after Zach and I got married we sat down and talked about when we wanted to have kids.  We discussed various potential plans and how kids would get in the way of them, but we were both set of having a family and so decided to just set a date and stick to it.  A kid will be inconvenient no matter how you time things, so might as well just pick a timeline and work the rest of life around it.

Soon after we had Donovan we started tentatively talking about when to plan for a sibling for him.  He have a "date" so far but it's much less strict of a timeline.  Every once in a while Zach will come home and start making comments about how nice it would be for D to have a sibling already so they could play together, how maybe we should go ahead and have a baby sooner.  The other night he was even trying to teach D how to say "I want a baby."

I then remind Zach if how much f*cking work newborns are, and he goes, "Oh, yeah.  Right.  Maybe we should wait a bit longer..."

Truth is, I'm terrified of having another kid.  But having only one is not really an option that's ok for either of us. I love having my big family and desperately want D to have at least one sibling to play with as he grows up, and to have those shared memories and experiences of our family when he's older.  I also think to the future, when whatever kids we have are all grown up, and what our current reunions are with all the people and activity and chaos, and thinking about holidays where you have a single child (and his potential family) to come over seems... lonely.  In the past I'd always wanted to have lots of kids, thinking of how great it'd be when they were older.  And part of me still wants that, it's just I'm not sure I could survive past the early years.

I've often read articles or blog posts of parents who worried that they wouldn't be able to love their 2nd (or 3rd, etc) child as much as their existing one(s), that they couldn't possibly have enough room in their hearts to let more children in.  I have no fear of that-- I know love is limitless and endless and that I will love any and all children I have deeply.  What I do worry about, though, is whether I have enough energy (and sanity) for another kid.  I often feel like I'm barely holding it together with one kid as it is, and it seems that these days one needs to have superhuman levels of patience and restraint in order to hold up to even basic standards for what makes A Good Mother.  I know this is probably not the best time for me to fret about all this since we've been having a rough few weeks over here-- D hasn't been sleeping well at all and we've been having to get up with him at least once a night, often for a good hour or more, plus very early mornings, making us all a bit grumpy.  I may not be in the most positive frame of mind right now.  But a newborn would mean, among other things, signing on for another year+ of nonexistent sleep, so it's not like I'll magically feel all well-rested and radiant, seeing sunshine and roses everywhere I go (I know we could possibly end up with a baby who sleeps better than D did, but it's also just as likely we could end up with far worse).

I realize it's silly, but part of me still feels like I must be a terrible person/mom for not being excited about another baby, for actively dreading going through that first year all over again.  The crazy thing is, I've always thought of myself as a fairly optimistic person, and I don't think D has been abnormally difficult as a kid... so why has it felt so hard?  Am I focusing too much on the negatives?  Am I having a week+ long funk that colors everything negatively?  Am I missing some sort of motherhood-is-wonderful gene?  Or is this how most parents feel and they just don't talk about it?

Bottom line is, we want another kid in the end-- we will not be satisfied as a family of 3. And so I suppose that at some point we'll just suck it up and take the plunge.

Day Five

So it's Day Five of NaNoWriMo, and so far I'm kinda kicking butt.

Last month I mentioned how I signed up to try to write a 50,000 word novel during the 30 days of November.  I was a bit worried about how attainable this might actually be.  Thankfully, D has been cooperative enough so far,  so that between playing independently some in the morning and taking decent naps (other than yesterday and today) I've been able to more than meet my daily word counts.  In order to write 50,000 words in 30 days you have to write a minimum of 1,667 words each day, and so by day 5 you should have a total of at least 8,335 words to be on track.  As of tonight I'm up to 11,905.  WOOT!

Luckily years of daily blogging seems to have made me a speedy typist, which is probably the sole reason I'm this far ahead.  I timed myself tonight and was able to crank out 1,330 words in 30 minutes, or about 45 words/minute.  I've never timed myself typing before, so that's fun to know.  Also luckily, ideas have been coming quickly enough as well.  One key piece of advice that's constantly thrown around during NaNoWriMo is that you need to "kill your inner editor" (at least during the month of November) since it's pretty darn near impossible to get out 50,000 words in a month if you're also stressing about making them a decent gathering of words that actually make coherent sense let alone be interesting and intelligent.  As a very novice writer, I don't think I've yet developed that inner critic nor a good sense of what's "good" writing vs what's "utter crap" writing and so I'm more free to just put stuff out on the page and see what happens.  I'm still discovering if this is something that might become a long-term hobby or just a one-time try.  I'm also still discovering what kind of novel I'm trying to write, whether it will be a one-piece novel or if I'll need to add more stories along with it to complete the 50k goal, and if any of the subplots I'm considering will materialize into anything.  I hardly did any outlining or planning before November 1, so it's been interesting to literally just go day by day as far as what I think I'll write, with little more than  vague idea as to the general storyline.  I'm figuring out things I'm good at, and all the other things that I didn't even think about and have trouble with (like actually defining my characters and giving them history, past experiences, etc).

At least I have my chanchito and plot ninjas to help me figure it all out.  ;)

Motherhood: no matter what, UR DOIN IT WRONG

I've been noticing lately how I've become more self-assured over time, and care less about what others think of me or the things I do.  I still care some, of course, and always will-- but I'm not letting other people's (usually strangers anyway) potential negative reactions affect my actions as much as I once did.  I imagine some of this is due to the natural process of getting older and more mature... but I also think that a lot of it is a result of becoming a mother.

See, it turns out that moms are judged constantly (I know, who knew??).  All mothers are terrible mothers, to different groups of people.  If you stay at home, you're teaching your children that women are incapable of supporting themselves in the world; if you work, you are abandoning your children and letting their younger years pass you by.  If you let your child "cry it out" to learn to sleep better you're teaching them that the world is a cruel, awful place where they can't even trust their own parents; if you instead go to them at night every time they call and allow them to sleep through the night on their own terms, you are coddling them and will end up with a needy 15 yr old who still needs Mommy to rub his back to fall asleep.  If you spank you are a child abuser; if you don't you're raising spoiled brats who will never learn rules or discipline.

It doesn't matter if you read to your kid five times a day, or sing them songs, or play games with them, or take them to all their doctors visits, or sit with them for as many hours as they need in the middle of the night when they're sick, or that you love them more than anything else in the world and would do anything for them.  No, because of whatever specific actions deemed UNFORGIVEABLE by whichever specific group at the time, you have been deemed a BAD MOTHER.  End of story.

In other words, no matter what, UR DOIN IT WRONG.

As a result, mothers have two choices: either fall endlessly into deep pit of despair and guilt, constantly questioning your choices and motives to the point of crippling your very ability to make a decision; or grow thicker skin and the confidence to know that you are doing what's best for your kids based on the best of your abilities and current knowledge.  Every so often I find myself gravitating towards the former, but for the most part I think I'm managing to do an ok job of tuning out the judgement.

An interesting side effect is that I have become much more open-minded about different parenting styles and techniques.  I am not perfect by any means and still find myself criticizing other parents from time to time, but usually manage to stop myself mid-thought and remember that I don't know their situation or their motives.  Because motherhood and parenting are not one-size-fits-all, and there seem to be about as many "right" ways to do something, depending on what kind of kid you have, as there are stars in the sky.

paradoxical

So this morning D and I went to the park, and while there I saw a woman whom I vaguely recognized, but knew I must know since she recognized D immediately.  She asked how old he is now, then followed up with, "Are you pregnant again?"

Um, no.

Then this afternoon the Brazilian family from down the street came by (the daughter, her brother, and the grandmother).  The grandmother was talking with me and mentioned (as she has a few other times) how skinny I am.  And she doesn't say anything negative about it, but I get the sense she doesn't mean it as a compliment.  (particularly since she then followed it up a few minutes later by mentioning how much she likes Zach's mom partially because she is on the heavy side).

So I apparently look like a too-skinny pregnant woman today.  Go figure.

In other news, D continues to be a sleep-less grumpy puss.  I realized today that it's been a good 2 and a half weeks since he got this chest cold or whatever the hell it is, and perhaps we should get him checked out.  He's had a couple days of runny nose, but most days he seems fine... except for this random, on/off coughing that sounds like he has some major congestion down in his chest.  And the fact that his sleep has gone to pot due to the combination of cough and nasal congestion that comes on overnight.  (No fever at any point, though).

It started a few days before we left for Texas.  We were in Texas for about 10 days, and I think he slept through the night only 3 of those nights-- the others he'd wake up at least once overnight, congested and upset, demanding Mommy and no one else.  It's gotten slightly better since we got back, but he's still getting up a lot and taking a while to get back to sleep sometimes (last night I spent over 1.5hrs laying next to him in his bed waiting for him to fall back asleep... if I tried getting up he just screamed).  His mattress is elevated, we have a humidifier going in his room all night long...  and yeah.  It kinda sucks.  It means neither of us three are sleeping properly, making us all crankier and grumpier than is helpful for dealing with anything else.

So tomorrow we'll go see his pediatrician and I guess she'll check to make sure there's nothing else wrong with him, and unfortunately probably not have much else to offer and so I'm crossing my fingers that it all goes away on its own soon.  I just realized he may just have seasonal allergies, in which case just shoot me now.

six word sunday: CANDY CANDY CANDY NOM NOM NOM

six word sunday challenge

More Halloween pictures here.