halfway(ish)

I think I can safely say I'm now at about the halfway mark with chemo. I had my 3rd round of chemo on Sept 14, about a week and a half ago, and I'm emerging out of the chemo fatigue and entering my window of "good" time (when I feel closer to a normal human vs one being willingly poisoned) for a bit of time before going in for the next go-round in a little over a week. I've been keeping a log of the side effects each cycle, to look for patterns and help me know what to expect for the next ones to come.

Something I read in my pre-chemo researching was that many of the chemo side-effects can actually lessen with each cycle, but the fatigue tends to be cumulative. So far this is proving true. Whether because of my body adjusting, or just learning what tricks/meds/etc to use to prevent/manage them, some of the side effects that were most bothersome after the first chemo (like the mouth sores that had me eating a diet of smoothies and cold mashed potatoes for a week) have been MUCH milder or not a concern since then, thank goodness.

However, the fatigue has also definitely deepened each time. I'll be pretty wiped out starting from Day 1 (day of chemo infusion) and for the next few days following. It's a deep physical and mental fatigue unlike anything else I have experienced, not even pregnancy tiredness (which I thought had been pretty all-encompassing)... where really all I can do some days is lie in bed and stare at the wall.

There will then be a day when the fatigue lifts-- I can think more clearly, and instead of lying in bed all day I actually feel like getting up and moving about, and don't get totally exhausted from small things like fixing myself a bowl of cereal or taking a shower. It's a damn great feeling, to have energy again.

After the first chemo, that day came on Day 5. With the next cycle, it was Day 7. This last time, it wasn't till Day 10. It's...not an encouraging pattern, given I still have 3 more cycles to go. I thought with each cycle I would have about a week of being laid-up, and then two weeks of feeling more ok, but that balance is shifting and so are some of our plans.

Thankfully my mom's schedule and travel plans are flexible enough that she's able to spend as much time here with us as needed, and we're taking advantage of that, with her being able to stick around longer to give me more time to just rest. Nothing about cancer is convenient or easy, but I have to marvel at how well many things are set up for us having to deal with this. I'm so grateful for my mom's help, and for my boys being the ages they are and being so independent, and just how much support we have that allows me to focus on doing what I need to and knowing everyone else is well taken care of.

Approaching my birthday not unlike how one might approach a possibly rabid raccoon

I was so excited to turn 42 last year. I celebrated my birthday by booking a cute little airbnb surrounded by redwoods, bathing in the beauty of solitude and light filtering through the trees and taking pretty pictures of the nature around me. I think it's my favorite way I've celebrated a birthday. I had every reason to feel happy and hopeful about my birthday….my 40s had been great to me thus far, and 42 -- the answer to life, the universe, and everything, after all-- was bound to be a good year, right?

Welp. Right about then I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (UCTD). As I grappled with the reality of having a chronic illness, I then found I had skin cancer (smack dab on my forehead, no less). And then-- the pièce de résistance, apparently-- came breast cancer.

To be fair, there's been a lot of really great stuff this past year, too. But, man... it's not been what I expected.

As I face my upcoming birthday next week, what I feel is reminiscent of when we were approaching New Years Eve at the end of 2020. There's one part of me that wants to shout "GOOD RIDDANCE, 42!" And another part of me that doesn't want to jinx it, who feels fairly apprehensive about what 43 might bring... What new ways might my body find to betray me?

[This is also where I have some complex feelings about the whole "cancer warrior/battle" metaphor. The odd thing about cancer is that, unlike a threat like covid or bacterial infections, etc, the enemy isn't some outsider who invaded and is wreaking havoc where they shouldn't be... my cancer is made of me. I am fighting myself. It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me]

I don't know what the year ahead has in store for me. Well, ok, I know that a lot of the next several months is gonna suck. Though I trust/hope there will be good stuff, too. It's feeling a little hard to trust that there won't be other ways that the rug gets pulled out from under me yet again. I'm trying to embrace a cautious optimism, along with an awareness and deep appreciation of the good things I have and feel and experience, and being present in each moment because you just never know what surprises-- good, or not so great, and everything inbetween-- may be around the corner.