Approaching my birthday not unlike how one might approach a possibly rabid raccoon

I was so excited to turn 42 last year. I celebrated my birthday by booking a cute little airbnb surrounded by redwoods, bathing in the beauty of solitude and light filtering through the trees and taking pretty pictures of the nature around me. I think it's my favorite way I've celebrated a birthday. I had every reason to feel happy and hopeful about my birthday….my 40s had been great to me thus far, and 42 -- the answer to life, the universe, and everything, after all-- was bound to be a good year, right?

Welp. Right about then I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (UCTD). As I grappled with the reality of having a chronic illness, I then found I had skin cancer (smack dab on my forehead, no less). And then-- the pièce de résistance, apparently-- came breast cancer.

To be fair, there's been a lot of really great stuff this past year, too. But, man... it's not been what I expected.

As I face my upcoming birthday next week, what I feel is reminiscent of when we were approaching New Years Eve at the end of 2020. There's one part of me that wants to shout "GOOD RIDDANCE, 42!" And another part of me that doesn't want to jinx it, who feels fairly apprehensive about what 43 might bring... What new ways might my body find to betray me?

[This is also where I have some complex feelings about the whole "cancer warrior/battle" metaphor. The odd thing about cancer is that, unlike a threat like covid or bacterial infections, etc, the enemy isn't some outsider who invaded and is wreaking havoc where they shouldn't be... my cancer is made of me. I am fighting myself. It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me]

I don't know what the year ahead has in store for me. Well, ok, I know that a lot of the next several months is gonna suck. Though I trust/hope there will be good stuff, too. It's feeling a little hard to trust that there won't be other ways that the rug gets pulled out from under me yet again. I'm trying to embrace a cautious optimism, along with an awareness and deep appreciation of the good things I have and feel and experience, and being present in each moment because you just never know what surprises-- good, or not so great, and everything inbetween-- may be around the corner.