anticipation

D turned 10 months old today. I watch him crawl and explore and laugh and learn, and I'm astounded at how different he is from the tiny baby he was at birth. I've felt pangs of nostalgia at times, like when I realized that he no longer fell into a deep sleep coma on my shoulder after feedings like he did in the first month or two, something I didn't realize just how much I loved until it stopped. For the most part, though, I suspect I may be one of those moms who appreciate her kids better when they're a bit older and able to do more.

But then I read this blog post today and I felt her same ache as I read her words. Part of it is about missing the past-- pregnancy, D as a tiny newborn, etc. Part of it is also the anticipation of all the changes that are to come. These days D is very cuddly, but very squirmy-ly so constantly moving and shifting. I think of when he will no longer come to me for snuggles several times a day, when instead of laughing and smiling when I dive-bomb his chubby cheeks, he'll pull away in annoyance. Before I know it he'll be one, and then 2, 5, 10, 15, 18, and then all grown up... It boggles my mind to know that he'll one day be a "big kid," and then a teen, and then an adult.

So what do I do? I shoot a bazillion pictures. And take hours of video. And I sit and stare at him in wonder and amazement as he plays, trying to take it all in. I know I don't appreciate every minute, as sometimes I'm too tired or frustrated to do so. But I hope that as time goes by I'll be able to look back and feel like I enjoyed it all to the best of my ability. Which I guess also means trying not to focus or worry too much about the future and what's to come...