Thursday, September 16, 2010
the intensity of life with a toddler
It's hard to tell how much of this is D's age/stage of development and how much of it is my own emotional state in being pregnant, but it feels like life is just so intense right now. Both the highs and the lows. D will do things that are so incredibly wonderful, that make me so proud and so grateful to know him. I love hearing him talk about things that happened a few days, weeks months ago and reminisce about them with me. I love the way his arms curl around my neck to hug me perfectly, the way he holds me tight and says, "Mommy you need to stay with me," when I try to leave his bed at bedtime. I love the way he's started furrowing his brow when stating something he's not sure about. He is this amazing, wonderful, intelligent person, and several times a day I'll just look at him and fall in love with him all over again.
And then with one 10-minute long screaming tantrum, followed by the silent treatment as he completely ignores my requests or questions, he can send me into this place of feeling so helpless and powerless. It can all turn in a matter of minutes. He has such a power over my emotions, and it is frightening. I see how he can switch back from happy to sad so easily, going from genuine sorrow with tears streaming down his cheeks and then 5 minutes later be happy and smiling, and I feel jealous because that transition back to happiness takes me so much longer to achieve. I hate how most of a day can go fine, even great, and then one bad encounter can just ruin it all.
Most of the time when he blows up I'm able to keep calm. I can take the yelling, remember the "tricks" I've read about to help diffuse his emotions, and get us both past it. But then there are moments when I guess I don't have enough patience and energy reserves left, and it all goes to shit.
I guess the silver lining is that D does seem to be so resilient, and he does bounce back quickly even after Mommy loses it, and I'll just hope those moments are overshadowed in his mind and memories by our more positive interactions.