Wednesday, May 27, 2009

One of those days


Most of the time I love being a stay at home mom. It's hard, yes, but I know it's what I want to do. That I would much rather be here and get to watch him grow and share each day with him. That even if the perfect work and childcare situation presented itself, I still would opt to be at home, and am so grateful to have this option. Most days I drink him in, able to brush aside the occasional tantrum in favor of the way he smiles at me when I sing or asks to read the same books over and over again sitting on my lap or makes silly faces at me while eating.

But then there are days when I feel utterly defeated. When it seems like nothing that I try to do to teach Donovan right or wrong, or even just how to not throw his damn sippy cup to the floor at meal times, that none of that is making any difference whatsoever no matter how much effort I put into it. Days when I'm counting down the hours and minutes until Zach gets home, or until the weekend gets here so I can have a decent break. Days when I honestly wonder if I have it in me to be a parent for another 17 years, let alone think of doing it with a second kid one day. Days when I start to fantasize of a life without children, when I could have my time, my self, my freedom back.

But that is not an option. The only way I could ever go back to not having a kid is through tragedy so unimaginable I would never ask it on anyone in a million years. There is no "quitting" being a parent (Mother Nature was very smart in making it so). So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going for another minute, another hour, another day, until you get past this awful place and start feeling better again.

I adore him like crazy, but being his mother really really sucks sometimes. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.

(PS- He seems to be all better now, both the fever and zombie eyes are gone. Unfortunately the tantrums are not, and in fact are occurring in full force anytime he is told "no" or just when he decides it's time for another one. Hence this blog post.)

11 comments:

  1. Hang in there! It gets more fun. I'm even starting to enjoy playing with R.

    Just think, you'll get extra hands all around in a couple more weeks for a couple weeks.

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  2. I could have written your post! They sure can kick our butts can't they? Hang in there. Glad to hear he's feeling better :)

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  3. Definitely hang in there, I know you will.

    I personally think he is testing you and that you should walk away and ignore the tantrum instead. Yes it is so hard (and so easy for me to say since I'm not mom), but it sounds like he is testing to see how much he can get away with since he doesn't like you saying "no" to him...

    Yes and tomorrow is another day! :)

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  4. I try not to give in to the tantrums. I might try to soothe him by picking him up, but I don't give him what he wanted to begin with. If he won't calm down, I'll let him know he can come get me when he's done and walk away. But they still suck to deal with.

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  5. In preparation for Global Baby's ever approaching toddler years, I read the book "Happiest Toddler on the Block." It talks mostly about how to deal with the tantrums.

    Cannot yet say my personal experience with the method, but based upon past experience dealing with toddlers in a child care setting, it makes a of of sense.

    Hang in there! The tantrums get better as the toddler gets older (and learns to talk!)

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  6. Hi Marcy,

    I stumbled upon your blog a couple of months ago and have been reading ever since. I just wanted to thank you for writing so honestly about your day-to-day parenting experiences. I really connected with this post, hence the comment :-) My son just turned 18 months old and it feels like the tantrums are in full force. I work full time outside of the home and I know that means that I probably witness less of the tantrums than I would if I stayed at home, but it seems like the little time I do have with him is spent dealing with the typical toddler frustrations.

    Anyway, hang in there. I'm sure this phase will pass, and a new one will present itself, bringing with it a different set of challenges. I really enjoy reading your blog. Thanks again.

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  7. marcy~ as a brand new mom i a loving your openness and sincerity that it IS hard sometimes, really hard!
    Thanks a bunch and keep on keeping on!
    xo

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  8. You need a tag-team partner. Say, like a sister or something, who could take D out to the park on those days when he's being especially ornery.

    In a totally unrelated note, what's the job market like in the SF area for a bilingual ex-teacher and a wine connoisseur?

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  9. (PS: maybe if you stopped referring to it as a DAMN sippy cup, he wouldn't feel the need to hurl it as far away from him as possible...)

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  10. Oh boy have I been there, and then I feel guilty for clock watching or letting any of my frustrations show. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

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  11. I've been there! I always feel guilty counting down the minutes til I get a break-but I know I shouldn't. Hope the tantrums pass fast!

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