Wednesday, May 27, 2009
One of those days
Most of the time I love being a stay at home mom. It's hard, yes, but I know it's what I want to do. That I would much rather be here and get to watch him grow and share each day with him. That even if the perfect work and childcare situation presented itself, I still would opt to be at home, and am so grateful to have this option. Most days I drink him in, able to brush aside the occasional tantrum in favor of the way he smiles at me when I sing or asks to read the same books over and over again sitting on my lap or makes silly faces at me while eating.
But then there are days when I feel utterly defeated. When it seems like nothing that I try to do to teach Donovan right or wrong, or even just how to not throw his damn sippy cup to the floor at meal times, that none of that is making any difference whatsoever no matter how much effort I put into it. Days when I'm counting down the hours and minutes until Zach gets home, or until the weekend gets here so I can have a decent break. Days when I honestly wonder if I have it in me to be a parent for another 17 years, let alone think of doing it with a second kid one day. Days when I start to fantasize of a life without children, when I could have my time, my self, my freedom back.
But that is not an option. The only way I could ever go back to not having a kid is through tragedy so unimaginable I would never ask it on anyone in a million years. There is no "quitting" being a parent (Mother Nature was very smart in making it so). So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going for another minute, another hour, another day, until you get past this awful place and start feeling better again.
I adore him like crazy, but being his mother really really sucks sometimes. I'm sure tomorrow will be better.
(PS- He seems to be all better now, both the fever and zombie eyes are gone. Unfortunately the tantrums are not, and in fact are occurring in full force anytime he is told "no" or just when he decides it's time for another one. Hence this blog post.)