Saturday, May 02, 2015

looking for the light

This has been a rough week. There was the heartbreak at the devastation from the Nepal earthquake (I nearly lost my breath when I saw an estimate that over 4,000 people have died). Then there are the protests in Baltimore, and feeling so discouraged and weary from watching people so clearly value property over life, and seemingly refuse to even try to understand the pain and frustration of a whole section of our population. Watching police overstep their boundaries and tread all over people's rights over and over again, and no one seems to mind. It's exhausting, and I'm just a bystander able to turn my head away from it when I want to.

Along with all that, Quinn has been going through a really frustrating phase the past few weeks. I think it's all fairly age-appropriate, and overall I think I'm doing the best I can at handling things (I could do with a bit more playful approaches to getting out of power struggles but it's so hard to scrape up the mental energy to do that when you feel so drained). It will pass, but it just sucks right now. Brushing teeth has been a struggle, as he insists on "brushing" his teeth himself, but basically just chews on his toothbrush, and so then I have the choice of letting it go (and accepting the potential cavities that will come of it) or forcing him down on the bed and brushing his teeth myself, complete with kicks and screams and tears. I am loathe to do option 2 as he is now strong enough that fighting him is extremely difficult, and also I feel pretty hypocritical about holding him down as he screams given that I spend most of my day yelling at him about body autonomy and letting go of Donovan.

I'm also staying up too late every night and not getting enough sleep, which makes everything else so much worse.

There have been some bright spots in the past week or so. The boys started swim lessons, which they both greatly enjoyed, and D's teacher said D was picking everything up faster than most of his other students. We've also been making friends with a family who lives across the street, in an apartment complex with a pool. They had us over this morning for a swim and the boys had the best time-- and I watched D continue to develop his swimming skills, playing games to see how long he could hold his breath underwater, and practicing swim strokes. Sasha was here for a visit the past 2 days, which is always pretty wonderful. Zach and I even got to go on a date last night, while she watched the kids.

I'm trying to focus on the good stuff, and let go of the things I don't control over anyway. I'm trying to embrace the moments when Quinn is being funny and sweet and silly, vs when he's screaming at me or trying to hit me. It will pass, I know. Just gotta power through it. And take care of myself in the process.

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