wedding extravanganza

I am in Austin right now, part one of a two-destination week-and-a-half-long trip that includes Danyelle's bachelorette party as well as her and her fiance's two wedding ceremonies. It's a bit of a wild trip that's required lots of planning and coordinating to make it happen, and will double the longest period of time I have ever been away from my boys in a single trip. But Danyelle is my oldest friend, and I have the honor of being the matron of honor at her wedding (she was the maid of honor at mine, those 10 years ago, halfway into our so-far two-decades-long friendship), and well she is part of a small group of people who I've had the pleasure of calling my best friends, and for whom I would do pretty much anything if they asked me to. And so, through the planning and the many changes of plans leading up to this beautiful mess of celebrations, it was never really a question of "if" but "how" I would figure out how to arrange things so that I could be here for all of it.

I arrived friday night, just in time to join Danyelle and one of her other best buddies for a "calm" pre-bachelorette night out in downtown Austin. Then Saturday was the bachelorette party itself, an affair that started in the afternoon with the bridal party hanging out by the pool and ended the next morning over margaritas and breakfast tacos, with the many hours inbetween filled with dancing and laughter and yes a good bit of booze, and the creating of many stories that will be retold among squeals of shock and glee for years to come. It was, in short, a pretty amazing time.

And then there was yesterday, a day that (for me) was pure perfection. After the craziness of the weekend, yesterday was a calm, restorative day-- I woke up slow in the morning, after a good 10hours of sleep. I went for a run in the sunny, warm, pretty damn close to perfect spring Texas weather when it's not yet too hot or humid to want to be outdoors ever. I went to lunch with my dad and brother, gorging on delicious tex-mex. I got my nails done in the afternoon. I spent several hours tucked away in my room here at my mom's house, re-reading The Book Thief, which I had started on the long trek down here from NH. I wondered at myself yesterday why I was choosing such a heartbreakingly sad book to read this week, but while reading and shedding a tear here or there I also remembered why it is that this book tops my list of Favorite Books of All Time. And it's not even so much the story itself, though it is wonderfully lovely and sad and bitterly sweet, but it is the way the story is told-- the imagery, the way Zusak plays with words, the masterful way in which he crafts his tale. It is mesmerizing. After spending a few hours yesterday afternoon immersing myself in his words, I took a break to hang out with my mom and other family members here at the house for dinner. Early-ish in the evening I felt sleepiness start to overtake and me and I figured I'd make it an early night, heading up to bed around 9pm...and then, instead, I chose to seize on this rare opportunity to stay up late to finish reading my book. It was glorious.

Today should be another calm-ish day, which I also plan to relish, then tomorrow is the first wedding ceremony-- the more formal affair, for the bride and groom's local families. After that, we all head out to Vegas for Wedding Extravaganza Part II. Zach will meet us there for the weekend. The kiddoes will be well taken care of by Lala, my mom, who will head up to NH to take our place while Zach and I enjoy this opportunity for a weekend away together. I may sometimes complain about not being able to live near family and the boys' grandparents, but I am so incredibly grateful that we have families who are willing and able to travel the great distances to help make things like this happen.

faded beauty

Recently I was digging through one of our junk drawers looking for a charge cable, and came across a random unused roll of kodak black & white film. I have no idea where it came from... it's not one I've bought anytime recently, and had I guess just been hiding among our other assorted crap all this time. The roll had no expiration date on it, but seeing as the last time either Zach or I used a 35mm film camera (before just this past couple months) must have been nearly a decade ago, it was most certainly expired by now...and clearly not exactly stored in optimal conditions. 

So, hey, I popped it in my camera and figured I'd see what turned out. It only had 24 exposures so I found myself shooting the whole roll pretty quickly, mostly of the boys playing in the playroom. It's a c-41 black&white so I was able to drop it off at the local walgreens, and voila... I've gotta say, I seriously love how these turned out. I love the fade and the grain. 

rogue spring snowfall

Wednesday morning when I woke up and stumbled into the living room, already grumbling at not feeling well, I looked out the window and had the most surreal feeling. After finally seeing all the snow melt away, and enjoying several days of warmth and the discarding of jackets in favor if *gasp* t-shirts, suddenly in the middle of spring there was snow on the ground outside. Which, yeah, is not at all uncommon for April in these parts. But, still. 

Thankfully it was a sunny day and the snow all melted by afternoon.  

grace in small things #6

• You see those little green shoots? I just spotted them right in front of our house today. #squeewoot
• Much of this week I have felt like total crap, with a really sore throat/ears and mild case of pink eye. This happened right as Zach ramped up to a big event at school he's been planning, so was gone all day/evening. None of this exactly fits into a gratitude entry, but the boys and I just spent our days snuggling on the couch watching TV and I feel zero guilt about all the screentime they got. And yeah, reaching that point where you can let go of the momguilt is a pretty cool thing, in my opinion.
• Zach is now done with said school event, so yay he's around again.
• I just discovered this series of prints, which totally made me lol.
• On Monday Jody and I took Donovan and Ethan on a little road trip to Boston to visit the New England Aquarium, so that was pretty awesome. It's one of those things I've been talking about doing "sometime soon" for a while, so kudos to Jody for being the decisive one and making things happen. 

experiments in film: macro

I'm fascinated by how these close-up photos have a totally different feel on film, like an added texture or something. I'm hoping to have some spring buds and blooms to shoot soon... 

...and a couple minifigs just for fun...

daring to be different

As I mentioned the other day, I've been reading Karen Walrond's The Beauty of Different. The first chapter is about individuality-- on the struggle so many of us face of trying to "fit in" to some imagined standard, and hiding or even feeling shame at the things about us that make us feel different, awkward, weird. So many bells in my head went off. I kept thinking of all the time and energy I have wasted over the years questioning and doubting myself, wondering what others must think, keeping quiet for fear of others thinking what I had to share was dumb or silly. Looking to others for guidance on How You Do Things because I didn't trust my own instincts or perceptions. Feeling embarrassed about things I liked or ways I did things. A while back I read something about impostor syndrome, that fear of being discovered as a fraud, and felt that overwhelming sense of oh my god that is so me. It is part of why after years of devoting much of my free time to photography I still hesitate to call myself a "photographer" (god forbid I dare use the term "artist") because well it's not what I do for a living or whatever so I can't really call myself that, as if what brings an income is what defines us. It is also part of why, to this day, I still honestly feel a little surprised to find that people genuinely like me or find me interesting, unsure of what it is they see in me. That creeping self-doubt is something I've gotten better at shaking off over the years, my own confidence and self-assurance slowly growing, and yet it still rears up too often. I still worry way too much about "looking dumb."

What a fucking waste, isn't it?

It is a waste of time and energy, of which I don't exactly have a ton to spare. But it's also been a waste of opportunities-- of discovery, of learning, of connecting with others, all because of fear of some imagined judgment that would probably never even come, or if it did would come from people whose judgement doesn't really matter anyway.

The funny thing is I have always felt more drawn to those who wear their quirks on their sleeve, unapologetically. Those who know they are different and embrace it. I admire that courage and strive for it. I'm much closer to that now than I was years ago, but I'm realizing just how much of that self-doubt and self-consciousness I still have that I can let go of.

In the book Karen, the author, interviews her friend Helen, and one part of their conversation really struck me:

I asked Helen if she noticed whether her newfound focus on authenticity and individuality had an effect on those around her-- for example, did she notice a difference at work? 

"I believe, as a result, my career took off" she said..."it's very energy-intensive to constantly try to second-guess what it is people-- bosses, managers, coworkers or even friends-- are expecting of you, or how they want you to behave, or how you should look or act. I found that by focusing on my own inner strength, I was able to determine with far more clarity what I wanted out of my own career and my own life....By staying true to what felt authentic to me, I was able to focus on things around which I had a passion, and therefore I was more successful." 

"Do you think people respected you more because of it?" 

"I have no idea if people respected me more," she responded without hesitation. "The point is, I respected me more. And really, that's what counts, for me."

I've also picked up Brene Brown's Daring Greatly, which is about vulnerability and very much goes hand-in-hand with everything here, and which also feels like it will be filled with many lightbulb moments. These are lessons that are one thing to "know" on an intellectual level and a whole other beast to incorporate wholeheartedly. I also have a feeling that, if one can manage it, the payoff is very worth it.

the carousel horse

We found this little musical carousel toy in a small toy store in Lyon, France, back in 2008. D was 6 months old at the time, and we were rapidly approaching the end of our expat days and our return to the US, and wanted to take a last weekend trip to a city we had been so taken by on our previous visit. The store had a series of these wooden carousels, each playing a different song. We discovered this one which played, of all things, Dixieland...the cultural clash was too much for us to take and we had to buy it. The toy is adorable and I have tried to photograph it many times but have never quite been able to capture it the way I want to, the way I want the picture to look like in my head.

Then recently as I was searching the house for subjects for my latest roll of film I saw the carousel and tried again. That vintagey/nostalgic feel of film must have been what I've been missing all this time, because I think I finally nailed it.

***

In other news, I recently heard about this new website called Exposure that's like a photoblog platform on steroids-- they provide a beautiful and simple way to showcase photo essays. You can publish up to 3 posts on their free account, so I played around with it some. Then yesterday I got an email from the Exposure team saying they had chosen one of my posts to be featured s a staff pick! The other featured posts are so incredibly stunning, I feel a bit shocked and honored to have my own photos chosen to sit alongside theirs. It's a pretty cool feeling.

the joys of porch snacks

Do you guys see this? Do you see the sunshine? The lack of snow all over the ground? The boys sitting on the porch, NOT wearing 1000 layers and ginormous jackets? The weather has been GORGEOUS here the past few days, and all but a last few remnants of snow have melted away. It's been warm enough for open windows and short sleeves and snacks enjoyed out on the porch. I have been waiting months for this, and it is glorious.

grace in small things #5

This week was not the best, but hey that's an even bigger reason to look for the good, right?

• In the past week or two I've had two friends contact me out of the blue asking for advice on a parenting issue. I'm not entirely convinced that I deserve it, but it feels really nice to know they trust me and respect my opinion enough to want to come to me for advice. 
• Somewhat related and possibly proving my skepticism from above, this week I was invited into a facebook parenting groups called Lazy Parenting FTW. The "welcome" post included this: 'We are the anti-helicopter parents, and our motto is "meh, they'll be fine".'  I think I will totally <3 this group. 
• I finally got my hands on a copy of Karen Walrond's The Beauty of Different. I've only read the first chapter so far, which is about individuality and embracing your quirkiness, and while the text and ideas are relatively simple they also felt incredibly profound and really spoke to me. I want to write a whole post about it (I did, actually, just in my head, and haven't gotten around to typing it out yet... it's always so much easier when it's just in my own head) but it's worth a mention here.
• The trailer for an indie documentary called American Blogger hit the interweb this week, which was interesting and somewhat baffling in its own right, but it inspired Neil Kramer and several other bloggers to come up with this brilliant masterpiece which is totally worth watching. I giggled through the whole thing. 
• The photo above is from a couple days ago, when Quinn and I stopped over at Ethan's house in the afternoon. Ethan wasn't feeling so great, but invited Q to watch him play games on their kindle (Quinn's reaction: "YES PLEASE OH YES ZOMG!!!!!"). With those guys entertained, I got to hang out downstairs with Jody and little Sam. When we arrived at their house I had been feeling tired and just...loaded down. We hung out for a couple hours and when Q and I got back home again I realized I was feeling a lot better, lighter. This is not an uncommon occurrence, spending time with Jody and/or Jeremy often does wonders for my mood, but I still like to notice and appreciate it. Friends like these are worth their weight in gold. 

spring thaw reveals grass, a mess of emotions

Nev the cat, very much enjoying the sunshine and warmer weather.

We've had a string of warm, sunny days and all of a sudden the ratio has switched so you can not only see the grass that's been hiding all winter, but there is now more grass than snow visible on the ground. It changes everything. This evening after dinner Zach took the boys down to the playground where they ran around and played for a few minutes in the fading (but not so long ago would have been completely dark) daylight, with a few last patches on snow still dotting the ground where mere weeks ago everything was submerged in like 2 feet of snow. I'm tempted to put my big puffy down coat for sale, though I will wait a few more weeks for fear of jinxing us (Murphy's Law dictates if I get rid of it too soon, there will of course be a big cold snap to follow. Yes, magical thinking is completely irrational... and yet....well I guess I never claimed to be that rational...).

There is dirt all over the sidewalks (since this winter it kept getting cold enough that salt wouldn't melt the ice, so they'd have to put down dirt for traction), and somehow tons of it has migrated onto our porch. I swept it all off tonight, in an act that felt symbolic. As did moving the snow shovel into the storage closet. A minor but important little bit of spring cleaning... Preparing the porch for using our outside toys again, for spending time playing out there and sitting on the front steps for snack, actually enjoying being outside rather than gritting our (or just my) teeth against the bitter cold. I am looking forward to lots and lots of time playing out of doors, in the sun, the kids all playing and chasing each other, flowers blooming, and yes maybe even eventually complaining about it being a bit too warm outside, one day when this godforsaken cold winter feels like a distant memory.

...and yet. Each passing day on the calendar brings not only spring and warmth and wonderfulness, but also brings us closer to the day when we will leave here, when we will move back to California. This move arises in me such a mess of emotions it's hard to know how to deal with it all. Relief and gratefulness for Zach having a job that is not only secure, but was highly desired; excitement and comfort at going back to the bay area, with familiar people and places (...and weather I won't constantly bitch about); stress and anxiety over figuring out the actual details and logistics of our move- finding housing, selling and buying cars, transporting ourselves, our stuff, the cats, etc etc etc; and then there is the gut-wrenching heartbreak over having to say goodbye to our very dear friends who have become like family. That one is gonna be....tough.

I expect to spend the next few months oscillating among all of these emotions, trying to make sense of it all, trying to make the most of these last couple of months here. Trying to focus on the good and make the most of the bad. I want to honor and respect the sadness and other not-so-fun feelings (vs trying to diminish or ignore them), while also remembering that it is proof of how lucky we are, how great our life has been (and hopefully continues to be) that we've gotten to live in these wonderful places and meet these incredible people who enrich our lives and touch our souls, and who I know will continue to be an indelible part of our lives even when we no longer live down the street (or in the same city, or same state) from each other. It sucks to have to say goodbye to people and places you have loved, but it's pretty awesome that we got to know them and love them to begin with.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get something to dry off my keyboard...

grace in small things #4

• It appears spring may have finally descended upon the upper valley. Our daytime high temps have been  consistently above freezing, the snow is slowly but surely all melting away, and the sun and warmth has drawn the locals out of our indoor hibernation... kids are outside, playing on the sidewalks and slush/mud. It makes me really happy to get back to the days of looking out the window to see friends playing outside, and simply going out to join them. 
• I went to yoga with Jody the other night, and it turned out we were the only ones to show up this week but that made for a really nice intimate class. So that was kinda lovely. 
• The "check engine" light that's been on in the car for a couple weeks mysteriously turned itself off this week. I'm sure that could mean any number of things, but I will choose to assume everything's cool. 
• I'm feeling very grateful for things like texting and the ease that technology has brought to keeping in touch with far-away friends. This week my friend Sasha, from way over in California, helped me pull together accessories for my bridesmaid dress, via texted pictures (there was also much other texting and a facetime session) #yaytechnology
• Zach and I made it out to the Diva Party at Tuck on saturday night (benefiting the Trevor Project). We had a super fun time with lots of dancing, totally worth my very sore legs in the morning.