44

 I turned 44 a couple weeks ago. 

I threw myself a party, we had pizza and sushi. I invited several friends and neighbors, both people who are already near and dear to my heart along with people I don't know well yet but want to. I went through my usual cycles of excitement at planning a party, a bit of anxiety about whether anyone would actually show up, the mild panic of prepping and trying to make sure everything was ready, wondering why my introverted ass decided to host a party, but ending with the warm tenderness of being surrounded by people who came to see me, to celebrate me, who care about me and wish me well, my heart brimming with gratitude at their warm hugs and the looks in their eyes as they told me how happy they are to see me looking so good. 

It was a particularly significant birthday, given that the differences between this year and last year. Last year, I spent the day after my birthday sitting in the infusion chair, getting my 3rd dose of life-saving poisons. This year, I spent the day after my birthday hosting a party and then going out dancing for the 4th night that week. It's a little hard to wrap my brain around, still. But I'm just so deeply grateful to be on this side of things. 

moving on? (update, 6 months after finishing chemo)

[I wrote this sometime in May but then forgot about it, finally posting it now]

Life after cancer continues to be a strange place to be, but I'm in a much better place than I was a couple months ago. My energy levels feel much more like that of normal people's. This feels like an odd thing to say, but it feels pretty fantastic to feel tired because of something I did, and where I can rest and I feel better afterwards, as opposed to chemo- or autoimmune-induced fatigue where you're just exhausted for no good reason and have zero control over making it any better. 

Over the past few months I've traveled to Austin and Portland (and have a trip to Maui scheduled in a few weeks!); I've gone to a few concerts, including on my own, and started going fusion and west coast swing dancing with Zach; I joined a gym and have been working out fairly regularly, including starting strength training. 

I have moments where I stop and marvel at the things I'm doing (out at a show, going on a hike with the dog, etc) and feel a wave of complicated emotions wash over me-- gratitude, amazement, grief, etc. There's still the occasional stab of terror at the thought of dealing with cancer again, of course. I feel keenly aware that nothing is guaranteed, which is part of what makes me feel extra appreciation for everything and has me embracing this "fuck yeah, carpe diem" attitude. I also feel some amount of survivor's guilt, including guilt at how I appear to (so far) be tolerating Tamoxifen better than a lot of people do... that's a strange little beast, right there. 

Kitty update: unfortunately things with Maya did not work out in our household. She and Nev never figured out how to get along, and it wasn't a good situation for either of them. Maya has now gone on to a new home where she's the sole kitty and is beloved and already seems very happy and comfortable there. All's well that ends well, I guess? It definitely brought up some complex feelings for me. For one thing there's the guilt at knowing I didn't exactly think things through rationally when I decided to get Maya, and feeling like I made a mistake that caused many of us some hardship. Then also, having her around for a few months and then having to get used to her absence, brought back grief about Sierra's passing, and just missing her a lot. 

We maybe will try again in a few months, maybe with a younger male kitten. Zach has a vision of a kitten and Cocoa Bean growing up together and being play buddies, which would be amazing, if it doesn't stress Nev out too much. We'll see. I don't want to make the same mistake and rush into anything again, so we'll take our time with this one. 

So, yeah. Overall, I'm actually doing pretty dang well. I'm happy, I'm grateful. Some things feel extra heavy. A lot of things feel pretty great. Life is weird.