44

 I turned 44 a couple weeks ago. 

I threw myself a party, we had pizza and sushi. I invited several friends and neighbors, both people who are already near and dear to my heart along with people I don't know well yet but want to. I went through my usual cycles of excitement at planning a party, a bit of anxiety about whether anyone would actually show up, the mild panic of prepping and trying to make sure everything was ready, wondering why my introverted ass decided to host a party, but ending with the warm tenderness of being surrounded by people who came to see me, to celebrate me, who care about me and wish me well, my heart brimming with gratitude at their warm hugs and the looks in their eyes as they told me how happy they are to see me looking so good. 

It was a particularly significant birthday, given that the differences between this year and last year. Last year, I spent the day after my birthday sitting in the infusion chair, getting my 3rd dose of life-saving poisons. This year, I spent the day after my birthday hosting a party and then going out dancing for the 4th night that week. It's a little hard to wrap my brain around, still. But I'm just so deeply grateful to be on this side of things.