Quinn's first birthday is just over two weeks away.
It is with only a twinge of guilt that I confess that I've been looking forward to this milestone for the entire past year. It's a strange thing to see all the parents around you lamenting the passing of time and begging for it to slow down, while you yourself are cheering it on and hurrying it along. It's not that I haven't enjoyed this first year with Quinn at all-- I have. There have been many amazing moments with him, and watching he and Donovan learn to be brothers.
But this year has also been probably the hardest of my life. I don't know if it was the shock of caring for two souls instead of just one; me not exactly being a "baby person"; Quinn being a bit of a "high needs" baby; or experiencing what might have been mild depression...or a combination of all these. But this year chewed me up and spit me out. I have never felt worse about myself, as a mother, as a human, than I have in so many moments this past year, often questioning why I even decided to have children to begin with and why in the world did it have to be so damn hard.
As many of you probably remember from all the whining I've done here and on twitter.
I knew it would get better as time went on. As Quinn became more able and independent, as he began to crawl, to walk, to talk, able to entertain himself, etc. And it has. That light at the end of the tunnel has been shining and visible, especially lately, and it's coming closer. Already many things have gotten easier, and I enjoy him and my time with him so much more. I know the years ahead will be filled with other, different challenges, some I can foresee and many I probably can't yet fathom, but in my limited experience so far as a mother I feel that I deal so much better with the challenges of a toddler than those of a baby. At least I think so. I don't know.
I realize I'm not alone here, and that many parents face far greater challenges than I, and with much less support, too. I'm not trying to get pity and I don't mean this as a "woe is me" post. I also don't feel shame in admitting that I am probably a less capable, less resourceful, less patient mother than many others out there. I am trying my best, and for better or worse this is the mother my children have. I'm ok admitting my limitations, maybe because I know (or, at least, hope) that my strengths will be enough to carry me, and them, through.
(As an aside, I am suddenly reminded of all the times I've heard my mother lament how she made this or that mistake with us, how she wished she'd done better. I always thought she was so silly so thinking those things as clearly she was a great mom to us growing up. Like with so many things, now that I have my own kids... I think I get it.)
I am glad to have all the pictures, the letters, my writings from the past year so I can remember and cherish the good parts- the sweetness, the triumphs, the love. And I am more than happy to hold them while closing this chapter and saying "Good riddance!" Here's to what's ahead.
You are doing great! I get so scared of the thought of a second child because it looks so very hard, especially because I also had a hard year with only one.
ReplyDeleteMakes total sense to me! I can't wait for the day when they can BOTH - burp themselves, sleep for more than 90 min at a time at night, and eat first thing in the morning without a fountian of spit up immediately coming back up. I guess I should just be glad I don't have to go through it again to get a second one.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this post. With my girls at 21 the months and a bit over three we still have tough times but its getting easier. You are doing great and the good news is your boys don't know any different so in their eyes you're perfect! :)
ReplyDeleteI also feel like I could have written this post. I much more enjoyed my time with Kiarda once she was more independent, talking a bit, and able to well...just DO more. I also echo Nancy's commennt - part of me is slightly terrified at the thought that #2 could be just as high needs and demanding as Kiarda, and I'm not sure that I could handle that kind of stress all over again.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great - keep up the good work!
I'm sure you are PERFECT, amazing, wonder-woman in your sons eyes. My mom has told me all kinds of "mistakes" she made, and thing's she wishes she had done different.. she wasn't sure she ever wanted kids, then boom.. I came along. She said she felt like she wasn't a kid person, but you know, I always thought of her as my super hero. I never thought she made any mistakes. Don't be so hard on yourself! *I say that knowing it's EASIER SAID THAN DONE* I told you, I'm a nanny.. and I am terrified of having my own.. I work with a 9month old and a just-turned-3 year old. It's SO difficult, I don't know how I can ever do it full time.. It's the hardest job I've ever had. Babies are so.much.work. I have such respect for moms with the three's and under, actually, all mom's in general. You are lovely, mama. Keep up the good work :)-your twitter friend, Megan
ReplyDeleteI knew it would get better as time went on. As Quinn became more able and independent, as he began to crawl, to walk, to talk, able to entertain himself, etc.
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