ponderings

The boys and I have been in Texas the past week, back here again for an annual family reunion on my mom's side. We've spent time catching up with my uncles, aunts, and cousins, and the boys have had a blast with their own cousins and aunts here. My sisters and I also spent some more time helping our parents sort through my brother's things. It's amazing how much accumulates even in a small one bedroom apartment. There is something special about going through his books and movies and music, his notebooks and handwritten notes, and discovering new things about him in what he has left behind. It's also making me look at all of our things differently, thinking about all the stuff he had in his small place compared to the ginormous amount of crap we have in our own house, and how that looks through the lens of someone having to sort through it all one day and figure out what to do with it.

And then there are all the small and not-so-small details that, again, you don't think about till faced with them directly... like keeping passwords and accounts both secure and private, yet also accessible enough to at least one or 2 other people so that they can access your accounts if/when you die. And like, um, making a will.

We've also been thinking and talking lots about family, and the meaning of family, and the importance of the bonds we form (whether our blood/legal family or the family we choose for ourselves). I feel some guilt over not having been closer to JC before his death, not taking that time to find out these things about him while he was still here and we could have talked about them. It's funny how we all "know" that our time here is finite, but we don't really think about it till we get slapped in the face with that reality.

My thoughts are jumbled, and I'm writing notes down in my journal in the hopes of sorting through them and finding some clear goals. But I'm feeling a push towards being really intentional with my time and energy, to not let opportunities for connection go wasted, not wanting to feel this same regret again with others. While at the same time honoring needs for time alone and privacy, and not falling prey to the trap of scarcity which feels like it leads more to feelings of obligation and guilt rather than anything positive. In other words, I guess, wanting to be mindful of how I spend my time and who I devote time and energy towards, without feeling the panic of ZOMG EVERYTHING HAS TO HAPPEN NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE (...and the guilt that comes from not taking advantage of everysingleopportunitythatcouldbeyourlastetc).

Or something.

We fly back to california today, back to settling in to regular life, or establishing a new one. We've got just over a month of summer left before Q starts preschool and that whole new routine. We have no other trips planned for that time, so hopefully we can fit in a few local adventures while our days are still wide open and free.