I started chemotherapy 3 months ago, yesterday. I honestly can't remember if I even mentally marked the 1 or 2 month marks of chemo, but this one stands out to me for some reason. I think up till recently I was so focused on looking forward and trying to get through the chemo, and just didn't (bother? want to? couldn't?) look backwards to mark the passage of time behind me.
A lot of survivors mark the day of hearing their cancer diagnosis as their cancerversary. I think for me finding out about having cancer felt like it came in trickles (first finding the lump; then the imaging and biopsy where the doctor didn't exactly come out and say "it's cancer" but warned me to expect not-great news, so that I left that appointment already beginning to process the worst; and then finally the phone call that confirmed it two days later). But August 1st, the day of my first chemo infusion, is a date that sticks in my mind. For one thing, it's an easy date to remember, but also it marks a stark Before vs After in a way that feels more visceral and real than even hearing the biopsy results. I suspect it's the date I'll note each year as it passes.
I have some complicated feelings about the usual "battle/warrior" cancer metaphors. It's a little difficult to envision yourself fighting some brave battle when most of what you're doing is...lying on the couch. It seems more true to say that the drugs are doing the fighting for me, while I passively try to reduce the damage and discomfort in whatever small ways I can, and focus my little energy on resting and passing the time.
These days I feel like I'm crawling towards the finish line and it's finally in sight... while knowing full well that the finish line for chemo is only one milestone I need to reach, with still others after it to follow. My final chemo infusion is in two weeks (!!!!). A couple days before that, I'll meet with my surgeon to plan my mastectomy, which will likely be towards the end of December. That pathology report will help determine what further treatment I may need moving forward (for example, radiation). I will need to continue some form of immunotherapy, plus figuring out what kind of hormone therapy I will take and for how long. There's still a long road ahead. But I have no qualms in saying chemo has kinda kicked my ass, these past 3 months have felt like a whole lifetime, and I am very, very relieved to be so close to being done with it.
